Chapter 96: Gintama (Earth Arc)

“Gintoki, what should we do? There are still so many people with those awful afros, and the Afro aliens will arrive in just over half an hour!” Shinpachi said anxiously, looking at Gintoki.

“Shut up! Can’t you see I’m already trying my best to get rid of those disgusting afros?” Gintoki said, his hands moving so fast as he plucked afros off the heads of the lined-up people that it was almost impossible to see, like spinning propellers.

“Take some pickled kelp, Take-chan? You might get jealous,” Kagura offered a piece of vinegar-pickled kelp to Okakura Take.

“Thanks, Kagura-chan.” Okakura Take accepted the kelp, and the two of them chewed leisurely as they watched Gintoki busily at work.

How leisurely... There really wasn’t much for them to do right now.

“I just want to go back and watch TV,” Okakura Take sighed.

“I want to go home and sleep,” Kagura added.

Both Okakura Take and Kagura yawned together. They were indeed quite free at the moment.

“Hey! You two, enough already. Can’t you come help me out?” Gintoki turned to them, his hands still never stopping.

“But, Gintoki, you’re the only one who can take off those afros. We all have naturally straight hair; only you have curly hair,” Kagura said, picking her nose with squinted eyes.

“So what if my hair’s curly? It’s because I have curly hair that I can take those nasty afros off your heads, you little brats!” Gintoki roared.

Curly hair? Okakura Take suddenly remembered something. She clapped her hands and said, “Right! Gintoki can remove those afros because he has natural curls. I’ll go find some others with natural curls to see if they can take off those afros.”

“Yeah! Okakura-san’s right. Gintoki, let’s find some naturally curly-haired people and see if they can help,” Shinpachi agreed.

“Then hurry up! I can’t hold on alone much longer,” Gintoki said, sweat pouring down his face.

Five minutes later, Okakura Take, Shinpachi, and Kagura each brought a group of curly-haired people. They were all asked to remove the wigs from those with afros, but none succeeded.

“Why? Why am I the only one who can do it?” Gintoki shouted.

“Looks like your curls have penetrated your soul; theirs only reach the hair follicles. You’re destined to be curly your whole life,” Hasegawa said, suddenly appearing out of nowhere and patting Gintoki’s shoulder.

“You bastard, you appeared way too naturally. Don’t steal the spotlight so casually,” Gintoki said, sweat dripping from his forehead. “Ah, I can’t do this anymore. My hands are about to fall off.”

Okakura Take walked over and handed him a strawberry milk with a straw inserted. “Drink this, then get back to work.”

Gintoki’s eyes lit up instantly. He grabbed the strawberry milk and gulped it down, sighing with the scent of strawberries, “So refreshing. Strawberry milk is definitely essential.”

“Um, excuse me...” A pink kimono hem appeared in front of Gintoki.

That familiar voice? Gintoki slowly raised his head. It was Anchor Yano—the anchor—with an afro wig.

“It’s my turn now. Sakata-san, could you please help me take off this afro?” Anchor Yano smiled.

“No problem! Whether it’s the hair on top or underneath, I’m more than happy to help you, Anchor Yano!” Gintoki jumped up, blushing.

Crack! Behind him came the sound of a milk carton being crushed.

“Gintoki, that’s sexual harassment,” Okakura Take said with a smile as she squeezed Gintoki’s shoulder. Her strength was increasing, and Gintoki could almost hear his bones cracking.

“S-sorry, I got too excited,” Gintoki said, cold sweat pouring down his face.

“If you do that again, I’ll stuff ping pong balls into your... and make you perform as a ping pong shooter,” Okakura Take’s smile grew wider, while Gintoki’s sweat poured even more.

“I-I got it...” Gintoki trembled.

After dealing with Anchor Yano, Gintoki even had her sign his body. Looking at the autograph happily, he decided to keep it well.

“Hmph! Men are all like this!” Okakura Take turned away with a snort.

“That’s right, Aru!” Kagura also turned her head disdainfully.

“Um... excuse me, could you help me take off the afro?”

That voice? Okakura Take and Kagura turned around together.

“Ah! Isn’t that Abe Narrow! Abe-san, I’m your fan!” Okakura Take excitedly rushed over, looking like she wanted to pounce on him.

“Cough, cough,” Gintoki coughed a few times behind her, but Okakura Take paid no attention.

“Abe-san, after you take off the afro, could you give it to me? I really love your character Jirou!” Okakura Take’s eyes sparkled as she looked at Abe Narrow.

“Cough cough cough cough cough...,” Gintoki clenched his fists and coughed vigorously behind her, his face red and neck swollen, but Okakura Take still didn’t turn around.

“Thank you, miss, but this afro is too dangerous. I’d better give you an autograph instead, is that okay?” Abe Narrow bowed slightly and asked.

So handsome! Abe Narrow was just too handsome! Okakura Take covered her chest, blushing, feeling like she was about to faint with excitement.

“Ah! Sure! If possible, please sign on my shirt chest...” Okakura Take tugged at her collar, but before she finished speaking, Gintoki pulled her away.

“Alright, don’t block Gintoki from saving the people of Edo. Unrelated personnel, please step aside. Go, go, go,” Gintoki said, waving his hand like shooing away beggars.

Okakura Take pouted and walked to the side, but when she saw Gintoki remove Abe Narrow’s afro and then rush over with a pen in hand...

“Abe-san, please sign here!” Okakura Take pulled her shirt open and proudly presented her chest, a devoted fan of Abe Narrow since watching the series. She was beyond thrilled to see him in person.

“Is this... really okay?” Abe Narrow held the pen awkwardly.

“No problem, no problem, Abe-san. Don’t worry. It’s just an autograph, and it’s the most visible spot for posting on Twitter. Thank you so much,” Okakura Take eagerly said.

“Alright then, I’ll sign there for you,” Abe Narrow said, taking the pen to sign.

“Sorry! Sir, I need to test this pen first!” Gintoki interrupted abruptly, snatching the pen from Abe Narrow’s hand and scribbling “Sakata Gintoki” in huge, ugly characters across Okakura Take’s chest.

“...” Okakura Take.

“What the hell are you doing, you bastard!”

The writing was so ugly and so big on her white shirt. She didn’t even want the shirt anymore!

In the end, since her entire chest was covered by Gintoki’s name, Okakura Take had no choice but to let Abe Narrow sign on her back.

“Sigh, if only the front wasn’t a mess,” Okakura Take sighed, looking at the autograph on her back.

“Who said your autograph is garbage!” Gintoki shouted angrily.

“Gintoki, bad news! Only ten minutes left! The Afro aliens are coming, what do we do?” Shinpachi ran over, his face full of panic.

“How should I know? There’s only one Gintoki, and there are so many people waiting to have their afros removed. What do you want me to do?” Gintoki said with deadpan eyes.

“Master, don’t worry. We’ve already come up with a plan,” Sougo suddenly appeared, having vanished without a trace before.

“Okita-san, what did you just do...” Shinpachi started to ask but stopped in surprise.

“What’s that?!” Shinpachi trembled, pointing at a large cannon that could warrant a mosaic.

“Do you even need to ask? That’s the Armstrong Jet Spiral Armstrong Cannon,” Sougo blinked.

“Wait! Why am I being stuffed into the barrel?” Gintoki struggled and shouted.

“Master, after discussing, we decided to use you as a secret weapon and shoot you directly onto the Afro aliens’ ship. If it’s you, it’ll definitely work, right?” Sougo said with an innocent expression.

“No! If that happens, my fate will be the same as that old guy shouting ‘Hello, boys! I’m back!’—I’ll just butterfly away!” Gintoki yelled, drenched in cold sweat.

“No, no, no, I believe you’ll be the man shouting ‘Up yours!’ while backing up those afro aliens,” Sougo smiled.

“What’s backing up? I’ll only be checkmated along with those afros!” Gintoki roared.

“Enough, Sougo, stop scaring that useless guy,” Hijikata said, walking over with a cigarette.

“Hey, curly-haired one, listen up. Besides you, the barrel contains a secret weapon the Shogunate bought from outer space to fight the Afro aliens. You need to fly up there and place the weapon in their control room. That way, Earth’s crisis will be averted,” Hijikata said casually.

“Are you kidding? Why me? You Shogunate cops have gone nuts, sending an innocent Edo citizen on a dangerous mission? You’re just a bunch of tax thieves,” Gintoki fumed.

“No choice. Odd Jobs, you’re the only one not afraid of that afro controller. We have to rely on you,” Kondo, suddenly appearing with a messy mop of hair, said.

“Shut up, you fur ball,” Gintoki shouted.

“Wait, isn’t this too much, Aru?” Kagura tapped her chest and glared.

“Kagura...” Gintoki was moved in an instant. “Kagura, all my hard work raising you doesn’t go to waste...”

“At least provide ten-year-aged pickled kelp, no, twenty-year-aged would be better, Aru,” Kagura waved a finger.

“...” Gintoki.

“You little brat! Is my worth only twenty years of pickled kelp?!” Gintoki shouted.

“Yeah, Kagura-chan, twenty years of pickled kelp is a bit much,” Shinpachi chimed in.

“Ah! Shinpachi! I know you’re the smartest one in the Odd Jobs. Use your glasses to convince them!” Gintoki cheered.

“At minimum, add all your rare limited edition DVDs and figurines, Atou,” Shinpachi pushed up his glasses.

“...Bastards! Believe it or not, I’ll come down and change you from wearing human glasses to just a pair of glasses!” Gintoki’s veins bulged.

“You’re asking too much. Master’s worth isn’t that high,” Sougo said, pulling out a bunch of discount coupons. “This is all you’re worth—half-price supermarket coupons. No more than this.”

“Eh? There’s a supermarket near me. Half-price coupons? That’s quite a deal,” Okakura Take happily took the coupons from Sougo.

“Hey! Look at me! Don’t ignore me! Please!” Gintoki wailed.

“...” Okakura Take.

“...” Kagura.

“...” Shinpachi.

“...” Sougo.

“...” Hijikata.

“...” Kondo.

After a few seconds of silence, everyone burst into lively conversation again.

“You bastards! Don’t ignore me!” Gintoki angrily shouted.

“Ah! Here they come!” Yamazaki shouted, looking up at the sky.

Everyone looked up and shouted as well. In the clear blue sky over Edo, a spaceship shaped like a massive afro slowly approached.

“Citizens of Edo! Surrender!” A loud announcement came from the Afro aliens aboard the ship.

“Fourteen?” Kondo looked at Hijikata with determination in his eyes.

“Yes, time to act. This is a sacrifice we must make,” Hijikata said gravely.

“The sacrifice you’re making is right here! Don’t act all serious!” Gintoki glared and shouted.

“Gintoki, I’ll miss you. I won’t forget every moment of founding Odd Jobs, Aru,” Kagura took out a handkerchief and pretended to wipe tears.

“Gintoki, me and my sister will definitely inherit your will and carry on the spirit of the samurai,” Shinpachi said, covering his face with his sleeve.

“Gintoki, next time I’ll have strawberry milk ready at home for you,” Okakura Take added.

“You three better remember this! Gintoki will never forget you...”

“Fire!”

Bang! Before Gintoki finished speaking, Hijikata gave the order. The Armstrong cannon fired, shooting Gintoki and the secret weapon inside the barrel into the sky.

“Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh—!”

Okakura Take, Kagura, Shinpachi, and the Shinsengumi all looked up as Gintoki flew like a cannonball, crashing into the Afro aliens’ ship and punching a huge hole.

“Gintoki’s head sure is hard,” Okakura Take squinted.

“No, Gintoki just has thick skin, Aru,” Kagura said.

“You’re right, Kagura-chan,” Shinpachi looked up.

“Why does it feel so quiet now...” Kondo suddenly spoke.

“How about we play Uno?” Sougo suggested.

“I love playing Uno, Aru,” Kagura raised her hand happily.

So, a few of them gathered to play Uno cards.

“...” Shinpachi.

Wait! Half an hour ago you were so nervous, and now you’re so relaxed. Is this really okay?

“Shinpachi, don’t worry,” Okakura Take came over and patted Shinpachi’s shoulder, smiling. “That guy’s not the type to die so easily.”

“Okakura-san...” Shinpachi stared, stunned.

Boom! The ship in the sky exploded, sending smoke, sparks, and debris falling. Everyone on the street hurried to avoid it.

“That guy... he knows that wherever he goes, whatever he does, we’ve got his back,” Okakura Take said, lifting her head.

In the smoky sky, a silver figure pierced through the dust, flying out of the red flames. He fell straight down, but his expression was calm.

“Gintoki!” Okakura Take.

“Gintoki!” Shinpachi.

“Gin-chan!” Kagura.

“Odd Jobs!” Kondo.

“Master!” Sougo.

“Tsk tsk, that idiot,” Hijikata muttered.

Everyone rushed to catch Gintoki.

“If you bastards hadn’t caught me, I’d be throwing a party at your place tonight...” Gintoki smiled with his eyes closed.

He knew, just like Tatsuma said, no matter where he flew, there would always be someone to catch him on the ground. No matter how he flew, these guys below would always catch him...

“Oh, I forgot to mention. The way to deal with the Afro aliens is to use the feather plucking bacteria from the Vegetable Mince Poo planet. Master, you might have been infected by the pathogen again,” Sougo suddenly said, blinking and smiling at everyone.

“Huh?!” Everyone suddenly let go of Gintoki and scattered. Gintoki fell heavily to the ground.

“What? Infected by the pathogen again?!” Gintoki sat on the ground, trembling as he touched his head.

Swish, swish, swish—tufts of silver hair slowly fell off, leaving his scalp smooth.

“Aaaaaahhh! My hair!”

Saving the world really isn’t an easy task.