Chapter 95: Silver Soul (Earth Arc)

The main street of Kabukicho was bustling with people coming and going, lively as ever. Yet, unlike usual, everyone sported enormous afro hairstyles—puffy, voluminous curls had become the new urban scenery.

“Greetings, humans of Earth! Good afternoon!” Suddenly, every screen large and small along the street switched their display.

“What’s that? It’s all black. Is the TV broken?” pedestrians asked, puzzled by the dark screens.

“Idiot! Step away from the camera, or they won’t see anything!” a sharp reprimand came from the television.

“Y-Yes, sir!” Slowly, the image appeared on the screens, revealing a massive afro on the screen. All Earthlings watched as a giant mass of curly hair dominated the broadcast.

“People of Earth, we are the Afro Celestials from the planet Afro-VS. We hereby inform you, foolish Earthlings, that you have been placed under control by our afro brainwave controllers. Do not attempt resistance, or your afro will emit intense waves that will heat your brains until they explode! Ha ha ha ha! Our army will arrive over Edo in two hours. You will submit peacefully to our rule, Earthlings!” The afro-headed figure on screen laughed maniacally. Though it was unclear exactly where his voice originated, his words were enough to terrify all who heard.

When the broadcast ended, everyone wearing those afros panicked. They clawed at their hair, desperately trying to pull off the massive wigs, only to find they wouldn’t budge.

“What’s going on? This wig won’t come off!”

“Ouch! It’s stuck as if it’s grown from my scalp!”

“I even shaved it off, but it keeps growing back! What’s happening?”

“No! I don’t want my head to explode because of this afro!”

Chaos erupted among the crowd as people screamed and tugged at their oversized hair, unable to remove the wigs.

“It’s over... Earth is doomed. So are we...” Many collapsed in despair, faces drained of hope.

“Who says? Earth won’t fall that easily!” Suddenly, a woman’s voice cut through the despair.

“Who?” The hopeless crowd turned toward the source. Across the street, a beautiful woman with long black hair strode forward, carrying a tall silver-haired man on her shoulder. Behind her followed a group of people.

“Stand up! I have a way to free you from the afro’s control. Line up and don’t fight over it. I’ll remove all your afros,” said the woman—Okakura Take.

The man she carried was the unconscious Sakata Gintoki.

Behind them were Kagura, Shinpachi, Hijikata, Sogo, Kondo, Yamazaki, and others.

Hearing Okakura Take’s words, the crowd exchanged glances—confused but hopeful—and gradually formed a line before her.

“Um, miss, how exactly will you help us remove these afros?” asked a suspicious middle-aged man at the front.

“Simple! We have a secret weapon,” Okakura Take smiled and gently set Gintoki down. “Behold, the latest hair removal device—the ‘Natural Curl.’”

“...” The middle-aged man blinked.

“What ‘Natural Curl’? That just looks like a normal afro!” he shouted.

“No, no, don’t underestimate the Natural Curl. It’s a powerful hair removal machine, Kagura-chan,” Okakura Take said, nodding to Kagura as a signal to begin.

“Roger! Activating Natural Curl!” Kagura nodded, leapt forward, grabbed Gintoki’s hand, and swung it at the afro atop the middle-aged man’s head.

*Plop!* The wig fell to the ground.

“Eh? My afro fell off! Wonderful!” the man happily touched his now-normal hair.

“Next!” Okakura Take called to the next in line.

A young girl stepped forward, and with ease, Okakura Take used Gintoki’s hand to remove her afro.

As the line grew longer, Okakura Take handed over the task to Shinpachi and went to maintain order. Shinpachi and Kagura grasped Gintoki’s two hands and worked together, splitting the line into two rows.

“Vice-commander, the Shinsengumi also have these afros. I’ll go get them so they can use the Natural Curl, too,” Yamazaki said, looking at Hijikata smoking nearby.

“Go ahead,” Hijikata nodded.

Yamazaki ran off. Hijikata, Kondo, and Sogo stood aside, watching Shinpachi, Kagura, and Okakura Take tackle the afro problem on the street.

“The crowd is growing. With only one hair removal device, can we really finish before the Afro-VS arrive?” Sogo asked, eyeing the long line.

“No idea. Let’s do as much as we can,” Hijikata exhaled smoke.

More people queued up, including many thugs from Kabukicho who tried to cut in line. Seeing this, Okakura Take directly dealt with the troublemakers with force. After clearing them out, everyone kept a three-foot distance from her, intimidated by her bloodied but smiling face.

“Next!” Shinpachi said with relief after handling the troublemakers. Their work sped up.

Then a seemingly normal young man with a chonmage hairstyle approached.

“Hey, sir, you don’t seem controlled by the afro?” Shinpachi asked curiously.

The young man blushed, slowly unbuttoned his shirt, revealing his chest, and shyly said, “My girlfriend wanted me to look more manly, so I wore the afro on my chest instead. I didn’t expect it wouldn’t come off either.”

“...” Shinpachi was speechless. What kind of logic was that—to wear an afro on one’s chest?

Meanwhile, Okakura Take and Kagura switched roles. Kagura maintained order while Okakura Take resumed hair removal.

“Sir, your turn,” Okakura Take said, holding Gintoki’s arm.

Next was a chubby middle-aged man, sweating nervously. After Okakura Take removed his afro, he still lingered.

“Sir, your afro is removed. Please step aside for the next person,” she said.

“Wait! I still have one place with an afro,” the man panicked.

“Huh?” The group wondered if this was another chest-afro case.

The man blushed as he unbuttoned his shirt again. His plump chest was hairless, confusing Okakura Take.

Suddenly, he raised his arms, and two huge afros sprouted from his armpits.

“...” Okakura Take was stunned. Why did people wear afros in such bizarre places? It was strange no matter how you thought about it.

Suppressing a twitch in her lips, Okakura Take took a deep breath and stepped forward to remove the armpit afros, deciding it was better to have someone else do the work.

After helping the man, she wiped the sweat from her brow, hoping the next person wouldn’t have afros in weird places.

“Next,” she said wearily.

A familiar figure stepped forward—it was Kondo Isao, looking shy. A bad feeling crept over Okakura Take.

No way! Did he wear the afro somewhere... inappropriate?!

“Wait, wait...” Before she could stop him, Kondo loosened his clothes and dropped his pants, revealing a heavily pixelated butt.

“Pervert!” His shocking move scared off the young women in line.

“Sorry, after shaving my butt hair, I felt strange, so I wore an afro there. Can you help remove it?” Kondo wiggled his pixelated backside.

“...” Okakura Take turned silently to Shinpachi, who was also speechless. She patted his shoulder: “Shinpachi, it’s your turn.”

“Eh? Why me? Miss Okakura, he’s in your line,” Shinpachi panicked.

“Nonsense, Shinpachi! You’re a man. This kind of thing is easier for you to handle,” she said.

“Speaking of men, Vice-Commander Hijikata should be more suitable, since he’s closer to Kondo!” Shinpachi looked at Hijikata.

“*Cough cough cough!*” Hijikata choked on his smoke. Realizing the trouble was his, he quickly defended himself: “What kind of logic is that? Why me? Sogo, you’ve always wanted to be vice-commander. You should do it. It’s a step toward the vice-commander seat.”

“Not really. The current vice-commander is Hijikata, so it suits him best. And stepping toward the vice-commander seat is easy—just kill the vice-commander,” Sogo said innocently, blinking his red eyes.

“What kind of simple method is that, idiot? Want me to kill you?” Hijikata growled.

“Sogo, Jūshi, someone help me remove this afro!” Kondo called back, wiggling his pixelated butt.

“Kondo boss, wait a moment. After I kill Hijikata, I’ll help you,” Sogo shouted.

“Good. But first, let me kill you, punk,” Hijikata snarled and drew his sword.

They immediately clashed, fighting fiercely, while those behind them began complaining.

“What are those two doing? Are they ever going to finish?”

“Come on, hurry up! You’re wasting our time!”

“Yeah, the Afro-VS will be here soon. Can you speed it up?”

“Right, right!”

“Faster!”

“Move, move, frontliners!”

Listening to the complaints, Okakura Take and Shinpachi exchanged looks. They glanced at Kondo’s pixelated backside, then at the growing crowd.

They really didn’t want to touch that thing.

“What should we do, Miss Okakura?” Shinpachi asked.

“What else? We have to deal with this perverted ape first,” Okakura Take said, staring at Kondo.

But no one wanted to step up.

“Guess you can’t do it without me,” a voice said.

Turning around, Okakura Take and Shinpachi saw Gintoki—the previously unconscious man—awake and pulling his arms free.

“Ugh, smells awful! How many old men’s scalps have you touched with my hands? Smells like old man stench,” Gintoki complained, shaking his hands.

(Inwardly, Okakura Take thought it was because he himself smelled that way.)

“Gintoki-san! Worse than old man stench, there’s a gorilla stench over there!” Shinpachi said anxiously.

Gintoki instinctively poked his finger in his nose, then withdrew it, complaining, “Ugh, my finger stinks too. I can’t even pick my nose.”

He strode over to Kondo and looked down at him. Seeing Gintoki approach, Kondo excitedly wiggled his pixelated butt: “Yorozuya, help me remove the afro from my butt!”

Gintoki looked at Kondo’s pixelated rear with a mischievous grin and said, “Alright.”

Then, with a quick motion, he kicked Kondo’s butt, sending him flying.

“Ahhh! Why?!” Kondo screamed as he soared into the sky, turning into a shining star...

“Listen up, kids watching on TV and computers! Next time a pervert exposes himself to you, don’t hesitate—kick him away,” Gintoki said, clapping his hands and striking a cool pose with Okakura Take and the others.

“...” Okakura Take sighed.

Why did this useless guy always manage to look cool at the weirdest moments?

Author’s note: Mumu-da, thanks to my two beloved soulmates at the desk and Tarim Kaka for the surprise bombs today.

Soulmate at the desk dropped a bomb. Time: 2014-07-04 11:59:26

Tarim Kaka dropped a bomb. Time: 2014-07-04 16:35:29