Chapter 54: Silver Soul (Earth Arc)

After that video of Take Okakura swinging a spiked club and smashing the maid robot went viral, she became famous—extremely famous. The denizens of the internet even gave her a nickname: “The Spiked Goddess.”

“What kind of ridiculously cringeworthy nickname is that!” Take Okakura scrolled through posts on the Samurai Forum, nearly at a loss for words.

Suddenly, her phone rang—it was an email.

“Take-chan, I saw it! You were amazing, as expected from the chief who crawled out from a pile of monsters. Want to grab dinner together tonight? I found a really good sushi place.

Saburo.”

Take Okakura replied swiftly.

“Thank you, but no need. I have plans tonight.

Take Okakura.”

On the other end, Saburo Sasaki received her message.

“Rejected again.” Pushing up his glasses, he muttered, “Your attitude toward me has gotten colder, Take-chan.” He sent these words to her as a message.

The reply came quickly.

“No, my attitude toward Mr. Sasaki has always been the same—there’s been no change.

Take Okakura.”

Sasaki chuckled. So, she’d always been this chilly toward him? What a merciless way of speaking—leaving not the slightest room for imagination or ambiguity.

He traced a circle around Take Okakura’s name with his finger. After this period of acquaintance, he’d come to understand the kind of woman she was—a particularly stubborn one.

“One means one, two means two. She’s not a fan of clinginess or ambiguity,” Sasaki mused, a brief laugh escaping him.

“If a woman like her ever fell for someone, she’d probably be stubbornly devoted to the end.”

After Prince Hata left Earth, Take Okakura finally felt relieved. That idiot had always been causing her trouble—despite not being in the Foreign Affairs Department, she’d ended up constantly running between Earth and the Central Nation’s star to mediate disputes for him. She even had to clean up after his pet’s messes. She was thoroughly fed up.

But she had barely enjoyed a few days of peace before trouble found her again.

“Chief!”

Take Okakura sighed as she looked at Osai. Whenever Osai called her “Chief” in that tone, it always spelled trouble.

“Chief, there’s been a recent case of animal abuse. Many people’s bodies have been modified into screwdrivers by two alien Amanto,” Osai reported.

Before the Amanto came to Earth, people had all kinds of speculation about these visitors from beyond the stars. Some thought aliens would be friendly; others believed them to be evil.

When the Amanto finally arrived, they indeed turned out to be evil. No, “evil” alone couldn’t even define them—they were arrogant. Compared to Earth, which lagged hundreds of years behind in science and technology, they looked down on everyone with supreme disdain.

“Screwdrivers?” Take Okakura asked.

“Yes. Not only Earthlings, but many other Amanto as well. The two aliens who modified the Earthlings have already been captured—by someone you know, Chief,” Osai said.

“Who?” Take Okakura inquired.

A line of screwdrivers stood before her.

“It was us!”

“…,” Take Okakura was speechless.

Why is it you lot again?

She stared wearily at the row of screwdrivers before her: Kondo the Cross-Headed Gorilla, Hijikata the Phillips Sauce, Sogo the Flat-Head S, Kagura the Flat-Head Kombu, and the two who still looked like normal humans—Gintoki and Shinpachi.

“Gintoki, Shinpachi, you two…?” Take Okakura hesitated.

Shinpachi raised his hand and extended his index finger; it had been turned into a screwdriver.

“…What about Gin-san?” Take Okakura looked at Gintoki’s hands—none had become screwdrivers.

Could it be? The only “rod” that counts for a man…?

“Gin-san, don’t tell me… you…” Take Okakura’s gaze drifted to his lower body.

“Miss Okakura, it’s just as you think. Best not to say it aloud. For the past two days, Gin-san has been having fits whenever he hears anything about ‘tama’ (censored balls),” Shinpachi whispered to her.

“…I see.” Take Okakura looked at the group of screwdrivers. “If the alien Amanto have been caught, shouldn’t your bodies be able to return to normal?”

“Chief, this is exactly what Chief Kondo came to ask for our help with,” Osai interjected.

Take Okakura looked at Kondo. “Chief Kondo, what can we help you with?”

Kondo stepped forward, looking at her earnestly. “Please, Chief Okakura, you have to help us!”

“Chief Kondo, just tell me what you need. I’ll do what I can,” Take Okakura said.

“Well, when we caught those two alien players, we accidentally destroyed their spaceship. They said they used a material conversion wave device on their ship to turn us into this. Now the ship is wrecked, and they can’t change us back…” Kondo paused, then continued, “Then Old Man Matsudaira—the Commissioner—said you have a ship with a material conversion wave device, Chief Okakura. So… we’re here to ask if you could lend us your ship?”

Kondo bowed deeply as he spoke.

“No need to be so formal, Chief Kondo. If that’s the issue, don’t worry. The Yorozuya trio are all my friends, and you and your team are acquaintances too. Of course, I’ll help,” Take Okakura replied, turning to Osai. “Osai, do we really have that ship here?”

“We do, but the wave device was removed and stored in the back warehouse. We’ll have to go look for it,” Osai explained.

“Let’s go together, then. Osai, you lead the way.”

“Yes, Chief.”

“Great! Gin-san, we’ll be able to turn back soon!” Shinpachi said excitedly.

“That’s right, and the boss’s kintama will be restored too,” Sogo chimed in.

That hit Gintoki’s sore spot. He lifted his head, face darkening, and glared at Sogo. “Hah? Compared to you, who’s been turned entirely into a screwdriver, Gin-san’s much better off! Besides, my screwdriver can still stand tall—can you say the same? Yours is a flat, featureless surface now!”

“That’s a minor issue—stop arguing,” Hijikata interrupted.

“Oh, if it’s so minor, then you don’t need to turn back, right, Toushi? You can stay a crosshead forever, right?” Gintoki retorted with a wicked grin.

“Yeah, anyway, so long as Mr. Hijikata has dog food, it doesn’t matter if he’s got a human body or a screwdriver—he can eat it either way,” Sogo said, his eyes glinting with S-energy.

“Enough, you two! Who said I don’t want to turn back? You two idiots should stay as screwdrivers forever!” Hijikata snapped.

“Take-chan, ignore those idiots. Let’s go,” Kagura said to Take Okakura.

“You’re right, Kagura. Let’s go.” With that, Take Okakura led Shinpachi and Kagura after Osai out of the office.

Gintoki, Hijikata, Kondo, and Sogo gave up their bickering and hurried after them. Compared to arguing with idiots, turning back was far more important.

After checking the warehouse inventory, Take Okakura and company dug out the material conversion device. The eyes of the screwdrivers instantly lit up with hope.

“Let me go first! Gin-san’s the hero who caught those two alien players—I should get the first turn, right?!” Gintoki shouted, kicking Hijikata in the face.

“Sorry, boss, but it’s your fault the ship was destroyed. That girl over there, don’t you cut in line!” Sogo said, grabbing Kagura’s collar.

“Let me go, you jerk! I’m the youngest here, and the only lady. Don’t you know to let ladies go first?!” Kagura protested, struggling.

“Sorry, but we country samurai aren’t gentlemen. Little girl, you wait your turn,” Hijikata said, trying to push his way in.

“Toushi, I’m your superior! Subordinates should let their superiors go first!” Kondo said, pulling on Hijikata’s arm.

The group devolved into a scuffle.

“Shinpachi, you really have it tough with this bunch of idiots,” Take Okakura said, patting his shoulder.

“I’m used to it,” Shinpachi replied, adjusting his glasses.

At that moment, Osai walked over with a manual in hand. “Sorry, everyone. This machine hasn’t been used in a long time, so it might have some minor faults. It’ll need some tuning before it can be used. Please wait a bit.”

“What?!” The fighting fools immediately stopped.

Suddenly, Gintoki, standing at the front, was pushed by the crowd behind him and lost his balance, tumbling forward into the material conversion device.

“Help me!!” His shout was abruptly silenced as the machine door shut on him.

It was a round, opaque device. Once Gintoki was inside, it started up immediately. On the other side, a row of buttons lit up in rapid succession.

“Gin-san! Gin-chan!” Kagura and Shinpachi cried out, rushing over. As Kagura tried to smash the door open, Shinpachi hurriedly stopped her.

“No, Kagura-chan! If you break the machine, we’ll never be able to change back!” Shinpachi said anxiously.

“But Gin-chan—will he be turned into a ball of curls?” Kagura asked, flustered.

“Kagura-chan, it’s fine. Gin-san’s existence is basically a bundle of curls anyway,” Shinpachi reassured her.

Take Okakura walked over with the manual. “Don’t worry, Kagura-chan. Gin-san will be fine. According to this, as long as we match the buttons on the door to the right patterns, Gin-san and the rest of you can be restored. I’ll call someone to—” But before she could finish, the idiots had already started tinkering.

“Gin-chan always says he wants long, straight hair. Let’s try this one,” Kagura said, pressing a button.

“Kagura-chan! That’s seaweed!” Shinpachi cried.

Clatter, clatter—the machine whirred to life. Minutes later, the door opened slowly. Everyone stared tensely.

“Why is my hair like this?!” Gintoki roared from inside, sporting a head of wet, limp seaweed.

“Sure, I wanted straight hair, but not slimy sheets of seaweed!” he wailed.

“So gross! Let’s try another one,” Kagura said, slamming the door shut on him just as he was about to step out.

“How interesting—let’s try this one next!” Sogo exclaimed, pressing a button.

“Hey, you tax thief! He’s my toy, not yours!” Kagura snapped.

“You two idiots, stop treating him like a toy!” Shinpachi yelled.

“Out of the way—I want to see the boss as a mother cat!” Sogo said, pushing Kagura aside and mashing buttons.

“No way! Gin-chan is obviously better as a hippo!” Kagura retorted, shoving back.

“Lion!”

“Pig!”

“Dragon!”

“Shun Oguri!”

“Yuji Ayabe!”

“…,” Shinpachi was speechless. Why were there celebrity faces on the buttons?

The two started battling over the control panel, mashing buttons at random.

“Kagura-chan, stop! Gin-san’s still inside!” Shinpachi shouted, rushing to restrain her.

“Sogo! You too—if you break the machine, we’re all doomed!” Kondo hurried to pull Sogo away.

At that moment, the machine door opened again, but this time, there was only silence—no sound from within.

Everyone swallowed nervously. Take Okakura slowly approached the door.

“Gin-san?” she called softly.

Smack—a slimy tentacle shot out, wrapped around her waist, and pulled her inside.

“Miss Okakura!” Shinpachi yelled.

“Take-chan!” Kagura cried.

“Chief Okakura!” Kondo shouted.

“This isn’t good,” Hijikata muttered, drawing his sword.

As everyone rushed forward in alarm, Take Okakura emerged, seemingly unharmed—just a little conflicted in her expression.

“I’m fine, but…” she said, turning her head. “Gin-san seems to be in trouble. Anyway, you’ll have to see for yourselves. Come out.”

A large white octopus with blue spots slowly crawled out behind her. Its beady eyes widened at the sight of the group, and it immediately shrank behind Take Okakura, wrapping a tentacle around her waist. Its body—twice her size—trembled as it hid behind her.

“This… is Gin-san. And after turning into an octopus, it seems he’s forgotten everything,” Take Okakura said helplessly.

“What?!” everyone exclaimed in shock.

Author’s note: Haha, thanks to Kagura and Sogo’s random button mashing, Gin-san’s body was bombarded with intense radiation, reorganized and altered hundreds of times. In the end, the malice of the universe played a trick—he lost his memory and became an octopus. And because the first thing he saw was Take Okakura, he’s imprinted on her like a hatchling. So… time to raise an octopus who loves strawberry milk!