Chapter 52: Silver Soul (Earth Chapter)

“Ah, Mr. Gintoki, why do you always end up so badly injured, even in the hospital? Just how long are you planning to stay here?” asked Gintoki’s attending physician, Glasses.

On the hospital bed, Gintoki lay swathed in bandages, only his eyes visible. He stole a cautious glance toward the edge of the bed, where Take Okakura was peeling an apple.

Take noticed Gintoki’s gaze and looked up, offering the curly-haired patient a gentle smile. Yet the fruit knife in her hand gleamed with a cold, sharp light, sending a chill down Gintoki’s spine. He whimpered and moaned for a long while, but the doctor couldn’t make out his meaning.

“What are you trying to say, Mr. Gintoki? Never mind, just get some rest. Remember, you need to recuperate!” With that, the doctor left.

Take finished peeling the apple. Gintoki gazed at the neatly sliced fruit with longing, but Take, ignoring his expectant look, popped the apple into her own mouth.

Crunch, crunch—Gintoki’s heart shattered as completely as the apple.

“Mmmph! Oww! Mmmph!” he protested.

Take bit into the apple, glanced at him, and said, “No can do, Gin-san. The doctor said you can’t eat these things yet. Wait a couple of days, then you can have some.”

“Mm? Mm?” he mumbled, asking her something.

“Oh, you want to know how I can understand you? Well, I don’t really know. I just do,” Take replied.

“Grmph mmph mm mmph?” he asked again.

“You’re wondering why Kagura and Shinpachi aren’t here taking care of you? Well, what can you do? As the hopeless president, you’re always hospitalized. They have to work. So they asked me to look after you. But I work too, you know, I can’t always be here. I’ve already called someone else to help,” Take explained, glancing at her phone. They should be arriving soon.

“Hm?” Gintoki’s red eyes looked at Take, puzzled.

Thump!

Take bowed her head and focused on gnawing her apple. That flutter in her chest just now had to be an illusion—how could she possibly find that useless idiot’s gaze cute? For a moment, she’d even imagined lilies and sparkling stars behind him. No, that was all wrong. There should have been a censorship mosaic behind him!

He looked even more confused. “Mm mmph mm?”

“I’m fine…” Take murmured, head lowered, the tips of her ears flushed red.

Gintoki thought she was acting strange, and just as he was about to ask further, a nurse in white appeared before them.

“Gintoki! I heard from Take you were injured, so she asked me to look after you. Don’t worry, I, your angel in white, Katsura, will take good care of you!” Katsura declared, hands on hips. His face was dusted with light makeup, and he wore a pink-and-white nurse uniform with long legs sheathed in white stockings, the whole ensemble suiting him disturbingly well.

“…,” thought Take.

“…,” thought Gintoki.

“Mm mm mmph aaargh mmph!” Gintoki wailed at the imposter.

Katsura scratched his head, unable to decipher the sounds Gintoki was making. “Um, Gintoki, I don’t understand you. But you’re so agitated—do you need to pee or poop?”

“No, Mr. Katsura, Gintoki’s asking if you’ve adopted ‘cross-dresser’ as your secondary attribute. You’re not an angel in white; you’re just an idiot,” Take translated for Gintoki.

“It’s not a wig—it’s Katsura! So you don’t need the restroom. Take, please tell Gintoki: I dressed like this to heal his wounded heart with the image of an angel in white, to rescue him from darkness and welcome him into the light of the Joi cause!”

Gintoki’s muffled protests grew louder.

“Gin-san says your outfit is more likely to make him shut his eyes and embrace darkness. Also, he can understand you, so you can just speak to him directly,” Take translated again.

“Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! The only one who can save Gin-san from darkness is me!” A piercing female voice rang out in the room.

All three—Gintoki, Take, and Katsura—peered under the bed. There lay Saru, also dressed in a nurse uniform, wriggling with delight.

“Ah! Gin-san’s lying on top of me! His body is completely covering mine—I’m so excited! I can’t believe Gin-san wants to play this kind of embarrassing game with me in the hospital!” Saru squealed, covering her face.

“Mmm mmph mmph aaargh mmph!” Gintoki cried out loudly from above.

“Gin-san says, ‘Who’s playing with you in the hospital, you perverted woman!’” Take translated.

Saru rolled out from under the bed and leapt on top, wriggling atop Gintoki.

“Ah, Gin-san! I can’t take it anymore! It doesn’t matter if anyone sees, just tie me up already!”

“Aaargh!” Gintoki spat blood—Saru had split open his wound. This time, Take didn’t even need to translate.

Suddenly, the angelic Katsura fired back at Saru: “Ms. Sarutobi, I do not acknowledge your claim that you can rescue Gintoki from darkness!”

That’s not the main issue here, Katsura! Both of you are just pushing Gintoki further into despair.

“What did you say?” Saru adjusted her glasses and hopped off Gintoki, finally giving him a moment’s respite.

She eyed the similarly-attired Katsura, then covered her mouth with a villainous laugh. “Ha! You think just because you’re wearing a nurse uniform you’re an angel in white? No, being called an angel in white is not just about the costume—it’s about having the heart of an angel! No matter what filth she sees, even if it’s a censored beep—or a man’s you-know-what—a true nurse can accept it all with a gentle smile! That’s what makes her shine with pure white light!”

You say that after stomping all over the patient…

“So you’re saying I’m not qualified to be an angel in white?! Don’t be ridiculous! My purity extends from my heart to Elizabeth!” Katsura exclaimed.

Elizabeth popped up from nowhere, holding a sign: “Katsura is right!”

That’s not right at all! Why drag Elizabeth into this? And that thing is just covered by a white sheet—inside, it’s pure darkness!

“Fine! If you insist, then let’s compete to see who’s more qualified to be an angel in white!” Saru challenged Katsura.

“Bring it on! I’ll make you so ashamed you’ll strip off that pure white nurse uniform yourself!” Katsura accepted.

“…,” thought Take. What exactly did these people come here for?

Meanwhile, Gintoki was starting to have a bad feeling. Whenever idiots started acting up, he was always the one to suffer…

“Bed eight, Mr. Sakata Gintoki, it’s time to change your dressing.” The true angel in white—or rather, an elderly nurse—pushed a cart into the room. She paused at the sight of Katsura and Saru. “Oh, new staff? Perfect timing. One of you can help change Mr. Sakata’s dressing.” With that, she left.

A glint flashed in both Katsura’s and Saru’s eyes, predatory grins curling their lips as they lunged for the cart at the same time.

“Let go! Only I get to play nurse and patient with Gin-san! Tie me up and jab me with those needles, Gin-san! Anywhere you want!” Saru shrieked.

You’ve got it all backwards—the patient is the one who needs the injection!

“You let go! This is the medicine that’ll turn Gintoki into a meatball! After the injection, he’ll be a lovable meatball for everyone!” Katsura shouted excitedly.

“…,” thought Take. That’s even more off the mark.

The two began fighting over the cart, hurling blades and throwing needles everywhere. Take scrambled to dodge. Once safe, she realized she’d forgotten something—she turned to see Gintoki on the bed, now bristling with kunai and needles, like a human pincushion.

“Mm mm mmph mmph!” Gintoki glared furiously at the two idiots, groaning in pain.

Take understood his meaning: “Those two idiots, aaargh!”

In their struggle, the cart broke in half, scattering bandages and medicines all over the floor. Katsura and Saru snatched up the supplies and rushed at Gintoki.

Gintoki, terrified, pulled the blanket up to his chest. No, this can’t be! Those two idiots are coming!

Witnessing his panic, Take stepped forward to block them. “Katsura, Sarutobi, stop it. This is a hospital.”

Gintoki gazed at Take with gratitude. At last—someone who could stop these two fools.

“What?! Standing in the way of an angel in white rescuing a patient lost in darkness? You witch!” Saru accused.

“…You’ve got that backward,” Take replied.

“Out of the way, Take! If I inject this, Gintoki will turn from a useless curly-head into a beloved meatball!” Katsura brandished a syringe.

“You’ve been off-topic this whole time!” Take couldn’t help but retort. Ever since she’d returned to Earth and met these people through Gintoki, her sarcastic streak had never let up.

“If you won’t move, woman, don’t blame me for being ruthless!” Saru declared, launching an attack at Take.

Seeing them fight, Katsura tried to seize the chance to pounce on Gintoki. The two women noticed and flung Katsura aside.

Chaos erupted in the ward—kunai, needles, tables, fruit knives, stools, beds, and even Elizabeth (hey!) all sailed through the air. Gintoki hurriedly dragged his bandaged body under the bed.

He hugged his head and wept. Why did it always end up like this? It was all the idiots’ fault. Yes, if not for them, he wouldn’t be so unlucky!

Suddenly, something round rolled in front of him. It looked familiar. He picked it up—there was a timer on it.

“Oh no! I think I dropped my last bomb!” Katsura’s voice seemed to echo from the heavens to Gintoki’s ears…

“Aaargh!”

Boom! An enormous explosion rocked the skies above Great Edo Hospital.

On their way to the hospital, Shinpachi and Kagura saw the blast. Kagura shaded her eyes and asked curiously, “Shinpachi, why did the hospital blow up too?”

Shinpachi was puzzled. “No idea. But it’s not our problem. Let’s go, Kagura, see if that useless fool has gotten any better.”

“Yay, even without that fool today, we still made money! I’m going to toss this cash right in his curly face, hah!” Kagura cheered.

As the sun set, Gintoki was in free fall. During his descent, he saw a certain purple-haired ninja girl and a black-clad cross-dressing nurse float past. Looking toward the sun, he broke into a relieved smile.

The sun really shines equally on everyone—even idiots bask in its light!

Just then, a hand grabbed him. Gintoki turned to see Take Okakura pulling him into her arms—a princess carry.

They landed safely. Take gazed down at Gintoki and smiled. “Gin-san, are you all right?”

For a moment, battered in body and soul by the idiocy around him, Gintoki thought to himself: This must be what a real angel is!

Suddenly, a sharp, wet sound of something piercing flesh reached his ears, followed by a searing pain in his lower body.

He looked down to see two figures in nurse uniforms, shrouded in dark energy, grinning wickedly as they plunged every needle they held into his backside…

“Aaaaagh!”

Gintoki’s anguished scream echoed over the Great Edo Hospital for a long time…

Hospitals… truly terrifying places.

Author’s note: Gin-san was tormented to death by the idiots. This story is officially complete! (Hey, how many times are you going to play the finale gag?!)