Chapter 51: Silver Soul (Earth Arc)

Theedo, short for Edo Television, with the host Jinichi Kusano. Today, among the show's guests was someone the audience was unfamiliar with—a celestial being, Prince Hata.

“Good morning, everyone. This is Great Edo Television, I’m Jinichi Kusano. A large number of mutant cockroaches have appeared in Kabukicho today. Prince Hata, do you know anything about this?”

The camera turned to Prince Hata. At the bottom of the screen, his identity was clarified: “Prince Hata, not the Idiot Prince”—though frankly, the “idiot” part didn’t need to be pointed out.

Takezo Okakura glanced from the television to the mudskipper-faced uncle before him and sighed.

“What made the prince decide to go on TV?” Okakura asked.

“That idiot said he wanted the viewers to help him find Goro, so he went on TV. Really, that fool is always causing trouble,” the uncle replied impatiently.

Uncle, your displeasure with that idiot runs deep.

“There’s no helping it. The cockroach outbreak is worst in Kabukicho, right? I’ll go check it out,” Okakura said.

“All right, thanks for your trouble.”

Okakura drove to the vicinity of Kabukicho. After parking, she walked quickly toward the district.

As she neared Kabukicho, shrieks echoed nonstop. From a distance, Okakura saw swarms of giant cockroaches flying through the air, attacking pedestrians and animals. The rustling sound of their movement was enough to set one’s skin crawling.

“This is too fast,” she thought. She hadn’t expected that just overnight, the space cockroach queen had already laid so many eggs.

At the main entrance to Kabukicho, batches of large insecticide spray cans were being delivered. Okakura grabbed one and headed inside.

“That’s not a cosmic cockroach; it’s a carnivorous mutant roach,” a voice declared from the LED screen on an office building, the camera zoomed in on the prince’s blank face. What puzzled Okakura was that Prince Hata’s face looked as if it had been punched.

“These cockroaches are formidable. They’ll keep reproducing until they eat everything on this planet,” Prince Hata said.

The host tensed up, quickly asking, “Is there anything we can do? Idiot.”

Pfft—Okakura gave the host a mental thumbs-up. Such courage, calling him an idiot in front of all the viewers.

“There is! The cosmic cockroaches are gathering in Kabukicho, probably because their queen is there. However, the space cockroach queen is about the same size as a regular Earth cockroach, so she’s hard to distinguish,” the prince explained, shaking his head.

“So there’s really nothing we can do?” the host asked, crestfallen.

“Oh, there is!” Prince Hata suddenly exclaimed.

Okakura had a bad feeling. Don’t say unnecessary things, you idiot, or you’ll spark public outrage and a diplomatic crisis between two planets.

“The queen cockroach has the word ‘Goro’ written on her back.”

Good, just stop there—don’t say anything else!

“Huh? Goro? Why would the queen cockroach have ‘Goro’ written on her back?” the host asked curiously.

“That’s a mark I made with a red pen. Really, Goro, after all I’ve done for him, why did he run away?” Prince Hata complained, only then realizing his slip.

Okakura really didn’t want to look at that idiot’s face anymore.

She ignored the host’s twisted expression and Prince Hata’s panicked screams and continued deeper into Kabukicho.

“Listen, everyone watching at home, please find the cockroach with ‘Goro’ written on its back. Together, let’s save the future of Earth!” the host declared righteously.

As Okakura heard this, she spotted Gintoki Sakata’s shambling figure at the end of the street.

While the other pedestrians were fleeing in terror, only Gintoki, with his unruly hair, was strolling unhurriedly, carrying Kagura on his back. Kagura looked dazed as well.

What’s with those two?

As Okakura reached them, Shinpachi caught up as well.

“Gin-san, pull yourself together—ah! Okakura-san, what are you doing here?” Shinpachi asked in surprise.

“I came to check on the space cockroach situation. Shinpachi, what’s wrong with this useless guy?” Okakura pointed at Gintoki.

“I destroyed the Earth, haha, haha…” Gintoki replied with a twitching mouth.

“What happened?” Okakura pressed.

“Gin-san accidentally let the space cockroach with ‘Goro’ written on its back escape,” Shinpachi explained awkwardly.

“That’s right. I’m the sinner who doomed Earth. Since the world’s ending, let’s go eat barbecue. Who cares if we can’t pay—let’s dine and dash,” Gintoki said, thoroughly defeated.

He’s hopeless; this guy’s completely broken.

“Shinpachi, what’s with Kagura?” Okakura asked, noticing how lifeless Kagura’s eyes had become.

“Kagura got so scared by the cockroaches she lost her wits,” Shinpachi replied.

Who would have thought that such a tough little girl was afraid of cockroaches?

“Never mind, let’s take both of them back to Yorozuya. The queen cockroach might still be at your place—I’ll go look,” Okakura told Shinpachi.

“All right, Okakura-san.”

As they tried to drag Gintoki back, he struggled.

“Let me go! I want barbecue—I won’t let you stop me from enjoying my last meal on Earth!” he shrieked.

This guy is unbelievably annoying. His typical Madao avoidance of responsibility drives people mad. Okakura simply knocked him out.

Gintoki collapsed headfirst onto a pile of censored vomit beside the utility pole.

Okakura pretended she hadn’t seen anything.

Shinpachi was silent.

Okakura quickly turned away and acted as if nothing had happened.

“Ha ha, all right, Shinpachi, you take Kagura, I’ll take the useless one. Let’s get them both back to Yorozuya,” Okakura said.

“…Okay,” Shinpachi replied, slinging Kagura onto his shoulder.

Okakura hesitated, looking at Gintoki on the ground. After she knocked him out, he’d landed face-first in the vomit. If she carried him on her back, she’d get that disgusting stuff all over her too. Carrying him over her shoulder wouldn’t work either, and hugging… she really didn’t want to get that close to something so filthy.

“Uh, Okakura-san, there are some strange marks on the street…” Shinpachi commented, looking back as he carried Kagura.

Okakura dragged Gintoki by the cuff of his pants, his body covered in pixelated blocks, surrounded by a cloud of buzzing flies. The most eye-catching thing was the long red streak on the ground.

Oh no! That must’ve been from when he hit some broken glass.

“It’s fine, Shinpachi. That’s just strawberry milk Gin-san drank, leaking out of his mouth,” Okakura said.

Shinpachi was skeptical. That’s obviously blood! Strawberry milk isn’t that red.

“Um, Okakura-san, Gin-san’s eyes have rolled back…” Shinpachi observed.

Okakura looked back. Through the fuzzy mosaic, there really were two blank patches where his eyes should be.

“No, Shinpachi, that’s just some dumpling paste he threw up. Really, it’s fine,” Okakura said with a strained laugh.

Shinpachi was unconvinced. There’s nothing fine about this!

After a while, they finally dragged the pixelated Gintoki to the Yorozuya.

“Okakura-san, could you drag Gin-san up—” Shinpachi hadn’t finished the sentence when a figure flew through the air and crashed inside.

Shinpachi slowly turned around. He saw Okakura dusting off her hands, with no sign of the curly-haired one behind her.

“It’s faster this way, Shinpachi,” Okakura said with a smile.

“Faster, my foot!” Shinpachi shouted.

“All right, let’s not dwell on such small matters. Let’s go up. If you or Kagura need any help, just come find me,” Okakura patted Shinpachi’s shoulder.

“Don’t talk like that useless guy’s already dead! Even if he is pretty useless,” Shinpachi grumbled.

Finally, they reached the Yorozuya. Inside, Shinpachi noticed all the giant cockroaches were gone. After setting Kagura down, he began searching for them.

“Huh? That’s strange, where did all the cockroaches go?” Shinpachi wondered aloud.

“Maybe the queen isn’t here anymore?” Okakura guessed.

They both had a vague sense they’d forgotten something. When they opened the bathroom door, they found the pixelated Gintoki stuck headfirst in the toilet…

And the stench wafting from the bowl, left unflushed after someone had used it, filled the air.

Okakura was speechless.

So was Shinpachi.

“Shinpachi, hurry up and pull him out,” Okakura said, patting Shinpachi’s shoulder.

Shinpachi gagged at the sight of Gintoki’s pixelated mess. “Okakura-san, that curly-haired mess is your responsibility. Please take responsibility.”

“Shinpachi, he’s your boss, isn’t he? If he’s gone, who’ll pay your and Kagura’s salaries?”

“No worries. That useless guy hasn’t paid us in ages. Kagura at least has pickled kelp; I don’t even have a glasses cloth. Didn’t you say you’d take care of us?” Shinpachi pushed his glinting glasses up.

“Shinpachi, what are you doing? You two are so noisy,” Kagura said, rubbing her eyes as she walked over.

“Ah, Kagura, you’re awake,” Okakura said.

“It’s Take-chan. What are you doing here…” Kagura walked to the bathroom door and saw Gintoki stuck in the toilet.

“Ugh…” Kagura immediately threw up, splattering the pixelated mess all over Gintoki.

“Oh no! Something bad just got worse!” Shinpachi wailed, clutching his head.

“This won’t do. Let’s grab a rope, tie it to Gin-san, and pull him out together,” Okakura suggested.

“Good idea,” Shinpachi agreed.

They found a rope quickly, but a new problem arose: who would go in to tie it onto Gintoki? The three of them looked at each other, then hung their heads.

From the corner of her eye, Okakura saw Kagura grin slyly at her, then look at Shinpachi. She understood instantly and winked back.

“Let’s play rock-paper-scissors, Aru,” Kagura said, holding out her hand.

“That works, it’s fair,” Okakura agreed, extending her hand.

“Let’s do it then. Loser goes in,” Shinpachi joined in.

The two women exchanged a conspiratorial glance, a dark light flashing in their eyes—the prey had taken the bait.

“Rock, paper, scissors!” Kagura shouted as she slapped Shinpachi into the bathroom. Shinpachi crashed into Gintoki and knocked him out of the toilet, but was showered in the foul-smelling pixelated mess.

“Ugh…” Shinpachi retched into the toilet.

“You two… that was cheating,” Shinpachi complained between gags.

“Shinpachi, haven’t you seen Hunter x Hunter? Rock-paper-scissors evolved from fighting. It’s not just a kids’ game,” Kagura said proudly.

“Shinpachi, you’re already in there, so just tie the rope to the curly-haired one,” Okakura said, tossing the rope in.

Shinpachi reluctantly took the rope and looked for a place to tie it on Gintoki, who was covered in pixelation.

“Shinpachi, Gin-chan’s there is the cleanest. Just tie it there,” Kagura suggested.

Following Kagura’s gaze, Shinpachi saw Gintoki’s New Armstrong Cannon standing tall for some reason.

“Are you trying to make this curly-haired guy extinct, Kagura?” Shinpachi replied, his mouth twitching.

In the end, Shinpachi tied the rope around Gintoki’s wrist, and together, the three of them hauled him out.

“Gin-chan stinks, Aru,” Kagura said, holding her nose. “What do we do now?”

Suddenly, Sadaharu came running in, something clenched in his mouth.

“Sadaharu, don’t eat random stuff. It might be that useless guy’s boogers,” Kagura said.

“No, Kagura, even Gin-san couldn’t pick a booger that big,” Shinpachi retorted.

Sadaharu dropped the thing on the floor—it was a squashed cockroach with “Goro” written on its back.

“That’s the queen cockroach!” Shinpachi exclaimed with delight.

Okakura breathed a sigh of relief. Thank goodness, the idiot prince’s mess was finally resolved.

Wait, there was still one problem left.

The three of them turned to find the curly-haired mess still unconscious on the floor, surrounded by flies.

“Should we call an ambulance?” Okakura suggested.

“I agree,” Shinpachi replied, adjusting his glasses.

Half an hour later, the ambulance arrived. When the doctors and nurses saw the miserable, foul-smelling figure upstairs, they couldn’t help but vomit.

“What happened here? Why is the patient like this?” a doctor asked.

“Well, Gin-chan has a strange habit. He likes to eat while on the toilet, but he’s been constipated lately, so he ended up making a mess,” Kagura lied with a straight face.

“Oh, I see,” the doctor nodded.

Doctor, you actually believed that?

The unconscious Gintoki, reeking to high heaven, was taken to the hospital. Okakura realized that if she didn’t bring back a cockroach, she’d have trouble explaining things to the idiot prince.

Just then, a cockroach crawled into her sight. She caught it, wrote “Goro” on its back with a red pen, and headed to the hospital.

Why the hospital? Because the idiot prince had been beaten and hospitalized, coincidentally in the same hospital as Gintoki. Okakura went straight there with the cockroach.

“My Goro, wonderful! Okakura, you really are amazing!” The idiot prince, wrapped in bandages, nuzzled the cockroach with delight.

Okakura thought to herself, He must never know I picked this cockroach up beside a trash can.

After placating the prince, Okakura took the elevator to the general ward to check on Gintoki.

When she opened the door, the room was empty, and the curtain in front of Gintoki’s bed was drawn.

Okakura walked over and reached out to pull the curtain aside. As she did, a hand shot out, grabbed her, and pulled her in. She was thrown onto the bed, and someone pinned her down, grabbing her shoulders and tying her up in a shameful position with a long bandage.

“Shinpachi, I heard the old lady next door’s got a thing for young guys like you. I’m definitely going to teach you a lesson…” Gintoki stopped, staring blankly at Okakura beneath him, cold sweat pouring down his face.

Crap! Wrong person!

“Gin-san, I brought you some water for your bath…” Shinpachi walked in, saw the two tangled together on the bed, adjusted his glasses, and quickly stepped out.

“Sorry to disturb you,” he said, closing the door behind him.

Gintoki, seeing Okakura’s increasingly dark expression beneath him, wailed, “Shinpachi! Don’t leave! Save me!”

“Aaah—!!”

And so, Gintoki’s pitiful cries once again echoed through the skies above Great Edo Hospital.

Author’s Note:
Sorry for posting such a large image—apologies to mobile readers. Still, I really wanted to share Gin-san’s latest declaration with you all:

“To all the women in the universe, from elementary schoolers with backpacks to grandmas with pain relief patches—you’re all mine!”