Chapter 110: Silver Soul (Earth Arc)

“Good evening, everyone. We have now reached the most exciting part of the third round. Both Takamagahara and abc.dotch have finished their drinks, and next they will compete against the three judges in an arm-wrestling contest. Let us interview the judges and hear how they feel.”

“First, Miss Okakura, do you think your strength will be enough to defeat the gentlemen opposite you?”

“Well…” Take Okakura glanced at the tabletop. There was a wooden tissue box sitting there. She picked it up and waved it at the emcee.

“It won’t matter if I break this, will it?”

“Ah, no, I suppose not…”

Crack! Crack!

The moment the emcee finished speaking, Take crushed the wooden box in her hand. With only a few squeezes, she reduced it to splinters, which fell piece by piece onto the floor and were scattered away by the wind.

“That was just a little demonstration. Still, I imagine the gentlemen opposite me won’t take such a minor trick seriously.” Take brushed the splinters from her hands and smiled.

Gintoki and Sougo’s faces darkened. The first judge was already this terrifying—what were they supposed to do about the other two?

“Hahaha, Miss Okakura certainly has a remarkable grip. Now let us interview the second judge, Miss Tae. Miss Tae, how are you feeling?”

The microphone was held out in front of Tae.

“I’m actually a little worried, because I’m not very strong either…”

As she spoke, Tae gently struck the wooden judges’ table with one palm.

Boom!

A crack appeared in the center of the table. It widened and widened until, at last, the entire table split cleanly in two.

“…”

The emcee.

“…”

The Takamagahara team.

“…”

abc.dotch.

Could these women please let men live?

After Tae’s demonstration, Saigo obediently rolled up her sleeves and clenched her fists, preparing to smash the stage. She assumed it was her turn to demonstrate.

“Wait! Mrs. Saigo, that’s enough! We’ve seen quite enough demonstrations. Let’s start the contest!”

The emcee hurriedly stopped Saigo. If she smashed the stage as well, how were they supposed to continue the competition?

“Is that so? What a shame. I didn’t get to demonstrate anything. Very well, then. I’ll have some fun with those handsome young men.” Saigo rolled her sleeves back down.

“Right, then. The third round will continue. The remaining five contestants, please come forward. We will once again randomly select contestants to compete against the judges.”

After the emcee finished speaking, the members of Takamagahara and abc.dotch stepped forward.

Takamagahara had two people left: Gintoki and Sougo. abc.dotch still had all three members remaining: contestants One, Six, and Nine.

“All five contestants are now in position. We will begin selecting the first competitor. The screen is rolling. Who will be the first to step forward and compete against all three judges?”

“One, two, three—stop!”

“Contestant Nine! Contestant Nine from abc.dotch has been selected!”

Contestant Nine was a handsome alien with short red hair and pointed ears. After hesitating for a moment, he walked toward the judges’ table—another table had been brought out for the occasion.

His first opponent was Saigo. Once their hands were clasped and the match was about to begin, Contestant Nine suddenly spoke.

“It is truly my honor to compete against such a beautiful woman as you, Mrs. Saigo. If you don’t mind, would you go on a date with me after the match?”

When he finished, he gave her a gentle smile, prompting a wave of shrieks from the female spectators below.

“Oh my, young man, aren’t you a sweet talker!” Mrs. Saigo was instantly charmed.

The result: Contestant Nine won.

Next came his match against Tae.

“Miss Tae, your outfit is so elegant today. No wonder you’re Kabukicho’s number-one hostess. I’ve always admired you. With you around, it’s no wonder Kabukicho is always so lively. Although I suppose the liveliest one of all is that gorilla, Kondo.”

Contestant Nine defeated Tae as well.

Next came Contestant Nine versus Take Okakura. After watching the previous two matches, Take told herself firmly that she absolutely could not be bewitched by this boy’s honeyed words.

“As expected of Miss Okakura. Even sitting across from you, I can feel the sharp brilliance of your beauty. The match hasn’t even begun, and I already feel like surrendering…”

“…”

Take Okakura.

That sort of thing really did feel rather pleasant to hear.

Take Okakura versus Contestant Nine.

Contestant Nine won.

“Emcee! That’s a rigged match! I demand new judges!” Gintoki pointed furiously at the three women onstage. Their favoritism was painfully obvious!

“The Takamagahara contestant’s protest is overruled. The judges’ decision is final. Therefore, abc.dotch receives three points for this match.” The emcee dismissed Gintoki’s complaint.

“All right, the next match is about to begin. abc.dotch has taken an early lead of three points, so Takamagahara must do its best. The screen is rolling once again.”

“One, two, three—stop! The contestant selected this time is Mr. Sakata of Takamagahara.”

“Good. My turn.” Gintoki strode forward with complete confidence.

After watching abc.dotch’s previous match, he had learned something important: those women liked hearing flattering words. And when it came to smooth-talking, there was no one better than him.

Gintoki faced Saigo, and the first match began. He looked up at Saigo and started thinking about what he could possibly say to make her happy.

“Your makeup looks really nice today…”

“Who’s wearing makeup? This is natural beauty!”

Bang!

Saigo slammed Gintoki’s entire body onto the table.

First match: Saigo won.

Second match: Gintoki versus Tae.

With one cheek swollen, Gintoki sized up Tae across from him and began thinking once more about what he could say to make this female gorilla happy.

“Tae…”

Bang!

Before Gintoki could finish speaking, Tae flipped him over. His head smashed straight through the tabletop, leaving a gaping hole.

“Why?! I hadn’t even said anything yet!” Gintoki roared as he pulled his head out of the hole.

Tae offered no explanation. She merely smiled at him, while the black aura behind her grew darker and darker.

“…”

Gintoki silently stood up and left.

Second match: Tae won.

For the third match, Gintoki sat across from Take Okakura, his face swollen and bruised, blood covering his features. He gave her an ingratiating smile, then leaned close and whispered:

“Take, please. Just let me win this one, all right? Once I win, I’ll take you out for dinner.”

“Oh? And what are you going to treat me to?” Take asked curiously.

“Chocolate parfait, strawberry cake, dumplings, an Uji Gintoki rice bowl, and whatever else…”

“…”

Take Okakura.

Those were all things she liked to eat! Inviting her to dinner was obviously just an afterthought!

Bang!

This time, Gintoki was smashed straight through the stage.

Third match: Take Okakura won.

“Boss, you really are useless. You lost all three matches.” Sougo narrowed his eyes at Gintoki as he limped offstage.

“Shut up! Those three women are monsters! If you went up there, you’d end up the same way!”

Then it was Sougo’s turn to take the stage. Gintoki watched with malicious delight, expecting to see Sougo defeated. But to his surprise, Sougo actually won!

The moment Sougo came offstage, Gintoki rushed over to him.

“What happened? How did you manage to beat those three monsters?”

“Boss, I’m not like you. Didn’t I tell you? Winning always requires a few small sacrifices.” As he spoke, Sougo pulled several dessert vouchers and beauty-salon vouchers from inside his coat.

“…”

Gintoki.

“Emcee, this match was rigged!”

Even though Sougo had turned the tide with his voucher strategy, abc.dotch ultimately won the round anyway. Saigo was very fond of the two handsome men remaining on the team, Tae was delighted by their flattery, and even Take Okakura could not help being pleased by their sweet words.

The third round came to an end.

abc.dotch defeated Takamagahara, nine points to three!

“Very well. The current score is two rounds to one, with abc.dotch in the lead. We are now beginning the fourth match. Takamagahara must do its best—if you lose this round as well, you will have no chance left!”

“We are now beginning the fourth round. As we explained earlier, the most important quality in a host is the ability to make women happy. Only when women are happy will they be willing to spend money on their hosts. Therefore, this round will test—eloquence!”

“Each team must select three contestants. In this round, the three contestants will have to make three women happy.”

“Our first guest is forty-eight-year-old Mrs. Nanako Hanada. She has recently been depressed because her husband has been unfaithful, so she needs consolation from a host.”

A plump middle-aged woman in a heavily made-up face and floral dress walked onto the stage. Her brow was furrowed, and she sighed repeatedly, looking thoroughly miserable.

“Our second guest is twenty-year-old office worker Miss Ayako Yamazaki. She has recently been subjected to harassment in the workplace. She feels miserable and has no idea what to do, so she needs the hosts to offer her some guidance.”

A young woman in a business uniform stepped onto the stage.

“Our third guest is a twelve-year-old little girl named Strawberry Kurosaki. She is unhappy because her mother ate her favorite strawberry pudding. That pudding was what allowed Strawberry Kurosaki to transform into the magical Grim Reaper Girl, and now that it has been eaten, she can no longer transform. Meanwhile, White Dye from the Soul Realm has recently begun making moves against her. So now, gentlemen, please try to cheer up Strawberry Kurosaki!”

“…”

Take Okakura.

What was that last one supposed to be? Had Flower and Dream merged with Weekly Shonen Jump? And what was with Strawberry Kurosaki? Wasn’t that obviously Kurosaki Ichigo? And what about White Dye from the Soul Realm? That was clearly a certain Soul Reaper villain!

“Strawberry Kurosaki! It really is Strawberry Kurosaki!”

Shinpachi suddenly became excited. Clutching his autograph book, he rushed over to the little girl with the yellow ponytail.

“Hello, Strawberry! I’ve always been a huge fan of yours. Could I please have your autograph?”

The little girl named Strawberry Kurosaki slowly raised her head. The instant she saw Shinpachi, her eyes widened.

“Anyone who wears glasses is White Dye before he starts showing off! White Dye, go to hell! I’ll punish you in the name of strawberry pudding!”

The little girl roared and kicked Shinpachi flying.

“…”

Take Okakura.

“…”

Gintoki.

“…”

Kagura.

“…”

Sougo.

“…”

Kondo.

“…”

Kyoshiro.

“…”

Kyubei.

“…”

Tae.

“…”

The emcee.

This really was not a certain Soul Reaper series, was it?

Author’s note:

The Madman’s Ramblings: And finally… I parodied a certain Soul Reaper series. Isn’t Strawberry Kurosaki adorable and cool, wielding that pink Strawberrystorm Blade that can unleash strawberry bombs? Enough already!

P.S. Thank you to Arashi, Resentment, and Kaka for sending me gifts. I’ve been absent for so many days, and you still attacked me with gift bombs. I’m truly overwhelmed with shame.

Resentment’s Tangled Feelings sent one gift bomb. Time sent: July 24, 2014, 9:54:49 p.m.

Hokudo Arashi sent one gift bomb. Time sent: July 28, 2014, 10:35:25 a.m.

Tarim Kaka sent one gift bomb. Time sent: July 28, 2014, 11:00 p.m.